IC: tiny truth post ftw

[maleborgia]

*All things aside, Cesare still uses the library frequently. He might not spend as much time in it, but he's been coming and going a lot and so happens to be inside it when a little bubble of annoyance thank you, Camp encircles it...*

Comments

[sharpasafawkes]

This is what I hate, there's no remorse. You say you've taken it all to heart, but what have you changed about it?

[maleborgia]

I never said there was no remorse.

[sharpasafawkes]

Is there?

[maleborgia]

...

Not for everything.

[sharpasafawkes]

Then for what.

[maleborgia]

For failing you.

*...welp. not what was intended.*

[sharpasafawkes]

[Just. A long sigh]

You haven't, not yet anyway.

[maleborgia]

And how would I? Leave the more ridiculous answers out of it, I have heard them enough.

[sharpasafawkes]

Tell me what those answers are, first.

[maleborgia]

What you were accusing me of earlier.

[sharpasafawkes]

How have you changed, then?

[maleborgia]

*just shakes his head. no, this is not something he is comfortable or willing to go into the way things are, and it's not like he's even known how to answer, anyway.*

[sharpasafawkes]

[Just shaking his head a bit]

Then what am I supposed to say?

[maleborgia]

I am not entirely surprised that you needed such qualifications to begin with.

[sharpasafawkes]

Look at it from my way, you find out what looks like you student breaking his word behind your back, you confront him about it, and he only acts annoyed. He won't tell you how it's not true, just that it isn't, and even when he's saying he feels regret about something, he still looks cross at best, and unwilling to change at worse. I told you that I want to believe you, but if you were in my spot, would you?

[maleborgia]

Of course not.

[sharpasafawkes]

So what am I supposed to do? For weeks I've felt like you've betrayed me, I've been hating myself for "letting you take advantage of me", frightened that I'd endangered the entire barn, including Elena- who stays out of this sort of thing, thank god-

I've been thrown out of my position for doing what we both agreed to. Think about it, how many times have you torn me a new one, and how many times did I give in? And what happens when I keep my end, eh? If I'm lucky you'll give some sort of half-apology and act like everything's fixed. If I give you a few centimeters to work with you never leave it at that, you carry off about ten times that and act like it's perfectly fine. That's why I dredge up old ditches, the normal methods don't work with you, as a child or a teenager. This was the first time I dug my heels in and said that it was important enough to stand my ground on, this was the bloody first time.

[maleborgia]

*he had been sitting back against the chair throughout this conversation, but now he leans forward a little, shifting his weight and gesturing with one arm still on the armrest*

You misunderstand me. There is no sense in offering an apology that is not genuine, at least in his situation. I have not lied to you in quite some time. However there is also no sense in bluffing and throwing up false threats. I am not asking you to forgive me and you have no need to justify your actions, although I do appreciate being given the chance to understand.

[sharpasafawkes]

[stiffens, yeah there was something horribly worded there, buddy]

[maleborgia]

*oh, he doesn't care.*

[sharpasafawkes]

[Yeah the problem, isn't it?]

I hate you sometimes, at least when you do this. I've bared everything and you refuse to budge. I want to know your reasons, you won't give them, oh but I should trust you. You admit that you know you lost my trust, but you're not going to do a damn thing to repair it, you say that you're sorry about part of it, but I haven't seen a bit of sympathy out of you. None.

I don't care a bit about who forgives who, I came here to understand what happened, on both sides. I've been the one giving out the information and swallowing every little part of my anger that's come up.

But you're not going to do that, are you? You're going to get up and leave. I'm tired of the one making the compromises, Cesare. I've been kind to your partner when he's only got bile towards me, I worried myself sick over when you were dying and refused to tell me anything, I took care of your younger self and hoped to god that you weren't gone forever, I kept the kid gloves on when he wouldn't say anything other than he died, I spent hours giving you excuses for when your callious disregard of other people's problems set something off and I had to find a lovely spot and pretend that I wasn't trying to fight off going mental, I spent a year trying to be a proper instructor only to see you fawn over Malik and give him far more respect than you've ever shown me, you aren't the one who's wasted a year of their time, it's me. Because nothing will have changed, it'll be like when we first met and you were fine with keeping as wide a distance from any of us as possible. That's the part that's rubbish.

[maleborgia]

*opens his mouth to argue some of that, but this really isn't the time, it would be a tangent anyway. lets Shaun finish.*

No, I am not fine with it. I simply think this is what needs to be done. You told me to take responsibility for my actions. I do not want to reengage this problem yet another time before things have changed.

[sharpasafawkes]

Yes, letting the wrong sort of ideas fester about for the first couple of weeks worked so well, after all.

What will this do other than make it harder for either side to approach the other one?

[maleborgia]

No.

What I am telling you is not a question up for debate. I am tired of this back and forth. I need some time to think things through for myself instead of feeling as though you are forcing your opinions on me, regardless of how valid they are. I have no qualms about speaking with you still, if you do not feel it to be a breach of security, but the way things are I cannot in all honesty accept what you have to say without questioning my reasons for doing so, making the foundation such agreements are based upon unsteady.

[sharpasafawkes]

You know how that looks to me. And you know what I think about that year now. Goodbye Cesare.

[Getting up and leaving]